Going Home Has Never Felt Better
You will never be completely at home again. Part of your heart will always be elsewhere. That's the price you pay for the richness of loving and knowing people more than one place.
Once you take the leap and move abroad, things get exciting. They also get scary. Traveling is different, you know you're coming back. On the other hand, nothing really prepares us for what happens, when we actually pack our room up and buy a one-way ticket, moving out of home to abroad for good.
My relationship with Turkey started 2 years back. First as a student, which after I went back and forth. Now I've lived full time in Istanbul about 7 months.
I've settled in myself in this country quite well at this point. I have a job, home, friends and an everyday routine. But even though I've had time to adjust, the new environment still often pulls me out of my comfort. In some way, I'm used to live 'uncomfortably'. It reminds me daily to keep an open mind but also teaches the importance to feel content with myself first before anything else.
I've settled in myself in this country quite well at this point. I have a job, home, friends and an everyday routine. But even though I've had time to adjust, the new environment still often pulls me out of my comfort. In some way, I'm used to live 'uncomfortably'. It reminds me daily to keep an open mind but also teaches the importance to feel content with myself first before anything else.
Going is easy. The hard part is everything what comes next.
The things which didn't bother me while traveling, come as obstacles in the new 'real' life abroad. With the everyday communication with people in a new language, adapting the local customs and working ethics. In some days, it's an emotional rollercoaster. The constant feeling of missing my friends back home. Feeling guilty to miss their birthdays and not calling family often enough. Finding the balance between saving money and buying new tickets to visit home and friends, or going to a vacation elsewhere.
Recently I went back to Estonia, but this time it was different. Now I was the visitor. The one who buys sweets, cheese and Estonian black bread we are so proud of, back home. It felt a bit bizarre, to rediscover everything which I already knew well before. To see the familiar with new eyes. And I must admit, time has not stayed still, there was many new things to discover.
But even though I felt at home, I knew that's not the place for me, not right now.
But even though I felt at home, I knew that's not the place for me, not right now.
I love my home in Istanbul, a little one bedroom apartment where I go every evening after work. And also my parents home in Estonia, where I once picked fresh strawberries from the garden in early mornings. But either way, I always kinda miss one or the other.
I found truth in that I will never be completely home again. And never as comfortable, as I did when my whole world fit into our little neighborhood. In one way or the other, my home is always elsewhere. In my birth country and in all the places I ever felt connected with. But most of all, my home is with the people I love.
Love,
Mariliis
2 comments
I CAN TOTALLY RELATE. Oh my God I love this post so much! I lived in San Francisco for a while and while I thought it would be so hard for me it was the easiest thing I did. Coming home was sooooo hard though! I am back in Germany since half a year now and I still don't feel home nor do I think I ever will. thanks for sharing it's great to read about other people going through a similar experience!!
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you related with my story and thank you for sharing yours. :) Home is not in one place any more and that's okay. We are in this together!
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